THE
INTRODUCTION

The purpose of this book is to provide parents with an uncomplicated method of teaching their children to comply with rules and requests. Compliance with parents’ rules and requests is the foundation from which children learn to respect authority and become responsible adults.

There is a technology for behavior change which is recognized by most competent mental health professionals, and this manual provides fundamental rationale and strategies for applying this technology. The techniques and rationale described here are not intended to be comprehensive, and should not be expected to work with all children. In some cases, a professional counselor's help may be needed, and more comprehensive material should be read to provide the understanding needed by a parent to help a particular child.

Human beings come into the world with a set of limited reflexes. Almost every other behavior has to be learned. Complying with parents' requests, following the instructions of a teacher, and obeying traffic rules are examples of behaviors that must be learned. Compliance behaviors are learned most effectively through their repeated association with consequences.

Parents seem to have an intuitive sense that children learn through consequences. They frequently attempt to reward their children for good behavior, and punish them for bad behavior. When children misbehave, parents provide consequences which range from the removal of privileges, toys, and activities to various forms of physical punishment. Parents sometimes believe they have removed everything from the child and that nothing works. They are skeptical when I begin suggesting a program using consequences, and rightly so. They may indeed have "tried everything." However, the way in which we use consequences makes a considerable difference in outcome.

The parenting role is made extremely difficult because of the richly rewarding lifestyles we lead. Think about what really happens to a child who is underachieving in school. Let us assume that a child brings home a disappointing report card at the end of a school grading period. During the grading period in which the child earns low grades, the apparent immediate consequences for their behavior includes living in a good home with parents who love them. They have access to television, VCR, cable TV, telephone, stereo, and transportation to activities. They are provided with clothes to wear, food to eat, and money to spend. A rewarding environment is not necessarily limited to the middle-class and above. Daily rewarding consequences may occur through being allowed to choose playtime preferences. Bear in mind that all of these rewarding consequences probably will be occurring during the time in which this same underachieving child is engaging in behavior other than appropriate study. This set of circumstances serves to teach the child that they do not have to study. Day after day, behavior other than study is associated with positive consequences. Afterward, at the end of the grading period, the poor study habits are discovered. Even then, when parents remove certain privileges from the child, the day to day reality is that they live in a nice home with all the amenities.

I am not suggesting that we deprive our children, but I do want to point out the importance of teaching children the connection between their behavior and consequences on a daily basis. It is very difficult for some children to learn, in a behavioral sense, that their behavior has anything to do with outcomes. In a world in which it is very difficult for children to make this discrimination, parents have a particular responsibility to structure consequences for behaviors so that children can earn privileges and material things. In this way, children learn that their behavior can really mean something in terms of outcomes. They also learn that they cannot expect good things to happen for them just because they breathe. Most of the parents I see in my practice have literally "tried everything" before they see me for professional help, but they often have not tried long enough. When consequences don't work quickly parents become discouraged and try something else. Until the record shows that a strategy does not work, they should keep using it. This means applying the consequences for a matter of weeks rather than days. Undesirable behavior may be learned over a period of weeks, months, or years. It would not be reasonable to expect these changes in behaviors within a few days. If appropriate consequences have been chosen, they will begin to work if they are applied consistently and in the correct manner. In teaching compliance, parents will need to choose two kinds of consequences, both punishment and reward.